Anonymous asked: WHERE ARE YOUR POEMS
my poems are at the bottom of an ocean polluted with bullshit. time swims idly by, and they sit there amongst abandoned ships and sunken treasures. my poems sit with the mythical squid who’s only been seen by a few in the shadows of the ocean floor. I’m sorry to say my poetry has probably been drowning and rusting and deteriorating, and I know I should fish it out, but theres some anchor holding it down and I guess I haven’t had the energy to cut it loose. as of now, dear stranger, my poetry is lost.
because I’m short a lot of things lately, like friends, and minutes in a day, and tapioca. I find that I’m short tapioca a lot lately.
I will write because there’s a sweet boy who says he likes to read what I write, and one reader is all I really need.
I will write because I’m probably seeping creative juices and by leaking so much it is making me grumpy. I write because I am a 1000 watt lamp that needs an outlet for all the lightbulbs going off in my head.
I’m really writing because I hate my job and need somewhere to rant about it. Because since I cannot cuddle tonight, I’ll cuddle with my dimming vocabulary and try to warm it up again, in hopes that it will open back up and let in foreign thoughts, and that one day those foreign thoughts become a part of my speech, and eventually, my writing. which in turn I hope becomes history.
I write because the usual ears I had to listen have abandoned me, and I’d be lying if I said that hasn’t been sitting in the back of my mind 24/7.
I write because if anne frank can write in the middle of a war, I can write in the middle of my bedroom with todde rolling around on my keyboard.
I will write because truly it is a part of me, and me it.
yeah, that’s why I’ll do it..
hurrah! I’m 20. still feels like eons away from 21, &I still have a ton to learn, but here’s what I’ve acquired from ages 13-19.
this is the time to crash. if you’re gna total your car from a tire blowout in the middle of nowhere, now’s the time to do it. not that you should ever get into a car crash intentionally, if there’s anytime that people will understand how on earth you were able to destroy a death machine of that caliber and come out completely unharmed… man just leave it to your teen years to explain.
high school is too fast. you’re going to have too much homework, too much fun, and right when you’ve learned all the tricks and could probably run the place yourself, it’s time to put on some poncho looking thing, a board covered in cloth on your head, and say goodbye to this warm comfort zone you’ve burrowed yourself into for four years. it’ll hurt to leave but it’s sort of like taking training wheels off, you know you’re gna fall eventually, but you’ve held yourself up long enough to know the ride is worth it.
best friends are relative to time. I hate to say this but it’s true. I believe people who are with you all the time, in thick &thin, through papercuts and broken hearts exist, but in my teen years—and I only speak for myself—this kind of friendship hasn’t sustained.people always leave. fighting for something alone is emotionally draining and I need to take care of myself right now. I think what I have with my sister is different, not so much a rare friendship, but a rare family bond that fuses us together. that to me has nothing to do with friendship but truly in our desire to keep each other alive and happy bc it is pertinent to our survival—always has been &always will.
distinguishing a cracked heart from a broken heart when you’re young is difficult. because everything just feels like the end of the world right? I am thankful for the trials and errors, and being able to make all those mistakes then rather than now. when I eat, I firmly believe in saving the best bite for last and that is what my teen years have given me. I got to go through all the schmucks, and from here on out, it only gets better. (:
try every sample in costo. try your hand at whatever the hell it is you want. really, think about it first, but if you have to go through 10 different careers to find the one you truly want, then so be it. we are meant to be on a journey and if yours leads you through a few ditches and swamps, be certain that somewhere there is a good view waiting to be seen by you.
if you don’t ask, the answer is always no. I learned this one recently in training at work. I’d like to apply it to my lifestyle. I feel like I’m often too timid to speak up for what I want/need, but if I never raise the question, I have already predetermined the answer as no. ask for the promotion/raise you want, the worst they can say is no &if that happens, work your tush off to show that you deserve it.
stop being angry about anything from your childhood. what I mean is, forgive your family. every family has their issues, I know mine has a hefty share, but if you go into your teen, young adult, and adult years angry, nothing will change. have the strength to accept the things you can no longer change, the courage to change what you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. that quote is obviously not me, but you know what I’m getting at. love your family, they’re the only one you have.
hug your dogs. dog years go by much quicker than human years. this may sound silly, but this lesson means a lot to me. they are the only ones who will look at you like you are their entire world even after you’ve done the most terrible things. one of the purest forms of unconditional love and we neglect it all too often.
I could write more… but I think I’ll sleep, because this is part of my growing up. this 9-5 big girl grind is fun. toodles and thanks for reading!
in all my boringness
staying home having panini parties
looking forward to watching Quentin Tarantino movies on Netflix
or being terribly excited to go out and have oysters.
THAT’s my partying.
my “wild” night out.
and I have no intention of changing anytime soon.
ah, the infamous 2012 recap. where shall I begin?
it’s been a roller coaster. to be honest, this has been one of my craziest years yet. I experimented, went through more errors than I did trials, and in the end I feel triumphant. mostly because it’s over, lol, but also because with a new year, I know I can apply the things I’ve learned.
2012 Life Lessons (for anyone who cares)
#1: you’re never too good for community college.
after spending my first college semester in the dorms at SJSU, this had to have been my most pressing lesson. I had been against chabot as if I was too good for community college, when in the end, that’s exactly where I want to be right now. the fact of the matter is that college is expensive, and spending money &taking out loans on tuition for my GEDs and working my ass off to pay rent for an apt out in SJ just did not make sense, so I moved back home. after I become financially stable again, I will enroll into chabot classes and continue living at home with my wonderful family. then hopefully, I can finish my BA in communications.
#2: chase your dreams at a walking pace.
what I mean by this is, chasing your dreams doesn’t always mean you have to dive head first into them. I was under this silly impression that I needed to change my life drastically and quickly in order to gain the happiness I wanted. I hopped into beauty school and took on a responsibility I wasn’t ready for and hadn’t fully thought through. it was an amazing experience, and being able to try my hand creatively was a blast, but I had not prepared to take on 9hrs a day 5 days a week of school along with working. it became more tolling than university was on me. so yes, I dropped out of yet ANOTHER school in one year. I hope to finish one day and get my cosmetology license, but as of now, I’d like to focus more on the academic aspect of school. I feel as though that’s where I belong right now.
#3: don’t think about it, it gives you too much time to complain.
I owe this one to mark a little. idk if I hadn’t listened all my childhood or I’ve just been going about things incorrectly until now, but I’ve learned if you just DO something, quit bitching about it or thinking how nasty it’ll be (doing dishes, washing todd, etc) when it’s over, it doesn’t matter at all. it never hurt, it doesn’t suck for very long, &you feel slightly better knowing you accomplished something. it sounds trivial, but this was sort of a big deal for me. it became a way for me to help my parents out &thank them for all they do, as well as give myself back a sense of purpose after taking my share of fails this year.
#4: my body is a temple.
I’ve always heard this quote, and to be honest it’s never meant more to me than any other inspirational proverb. I’ve known I need to take care of myself, but perhaps now that I know I’m growing up a little, it’s more pressing now. eating right is step one, staying consistent with working out is step two. my body is mine for however long I’d like to keep it running, and though I do not crave immortality, I want to see my kids grow and have as much of an elder hood as I’ve had a child hood. if that makes any sense (:
2012 has been tremendously generous with me.
I am thankful for spending EDC for my first (and maybe last) time in vegas with Poopsie, Joyce, and Jacob.
I am thankful for the amazing best friends I have supporting me in all my endeavors and failures.
I am thankful for a family that provides everything I need along with a hefty supply of love attached.
I am thankful for the wonderful boy I get to cuddle up with at night who never stops trying to help me be a better me.
and I am thankful for the unconditional love my dogs shower me with that I don’t always deserve.
2012, thank you.
write write write. oh inspiration where’d you go?
900 Grayson with @markklucas yesterday (: demonlover &ladyboy were on poinnnnt.
everyone, meet rascal.
Halloween pumpkin carving for @markklucas’s first time. his Muay Thai fighter and my random Halloween related things. (:
it’s more than just sad, let me explain this.
it’s like trying to run underwater, when your legs are fighting but you can barely move at normal pace. it’s bearable on most days, but sometimes you get tired &just stop. dead in your tracks you stop &dont move bc a lot of times not moving, not being, feels better than fighting. fighting yourself gets so old after a while, you start to learn all of your own tactics, &next thing you know you’re dancing this foxtrot that no one recognizes &you’re not even sure what rhythm feels like anymore.
then every now and then it feels like you’re swimming again.
but the minute you’re dragged back down to the ocean floor,
it’s back to fighting.
thoughts, please leave me be.
low low low…
someone tell me what normal feels like again…
I trust you. I trust you. I trust you.
why does that never seem like enough?
you’re a pilot jones.
pilot jones.. pilot jones..